


remember me as vivid as i used to be

by pepesaiko



Category: Kuroko no Basuke | Kuroko's Basketball
Genre: Angst, Future Fic, M/M, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-06-20
Updated: 2015-06-28
Packaged: 2018-04-05 08:24:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,258
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4172793
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pepesaiko/pseuds/pepesaiko
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kuroko doesn’t look at him, but soon his hunched up form starts shaking and Kise immediately gets up, scared he’s crying but when he looks at Kuroko, he’s confused because he’s laughing. It’s full out laughter, voice echoing off the walls of the room like a madman. When he finishes, a solid minute later, he looks at Kise, a thoughtful expression on his face. “Perhaps there are some flowers that just don’t bloom, Kise-kun,”</p><p>Kise, not knowing what else to say, nods.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. chrysanthemum

**Author's Note:**

> this fic is inspired by this video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VJjS6Xa82xU  
> this might trigger anyone that has been suicidal or suicidal so please don't read if you're in that situation right now!!  
> comments n kudos r welcomed :))

_10 years ago_

 

“Kurokucchi?” Kise asked, whilst scribbling something furiously onto the back cover of his yearbook. It was the few days after graduation when all everyone did was bask in the high school memories, not go to school at all, or pull senior pranks on their teachers. Kuroko was sitting on the grass, mindlessly playing with the small weeds and dandelions that grew there.

“Yes, Kise-kun?” he mumbled, nimble fingers going to tie up a chain of grasses.

“In 10 years, if you don’t find anyone else, marry me?” Kise pleads, face popping into Kuroko’s vision, surprising him and ending up with the chain of grass, falling out of his hands. Kuroko sighed. Kise’s obsession with him hadn’t faded in all the years of schooling he had endured with the blonde.

But since it was probably the last time Kuroko was going to see Kise, since it was unlikely he would keep in touch with the blonde (and with the rest of the team members for that fact), Kuroko decided to indulge him for a while. He smiled. “Sure,” he said, watching the model’s face go from happy to super saiyan in two seconds. He felt himself topple onto the grass as Kise’s body fell on top of him.

“Kurokocchiii~ I love you!,” Kise said. Kuroko laughed, hands pushing Kise off of him as he watched, knees pulled up to his chest, as Kise shoved his yearbook and pen into Kuroko’s face.

“Sign this so I know it’s real,” Kise smiles, his eyes twinkling. Kuroko reads the ‘ _declaration that Kurokocchi will marry me in ten years’_ in bubbly kanji with a small smile.

“Alright,” He says, unable to stop the smiling spilling from his face. It’s times like these that he thinks he’s going to miss the blonde. He signs his name in the yearbook and hands it back to Kise who squeals and admires it before turning back to Kuroko and holding out a pinky.

“Pinky promise, Kuroccchi?”

“I promise”

 

_Present day, 10 years later_

“No, not over there please!! Next to the mirror,” Kise Ryota says to the men holding the vanity table. He glances at his watch, annoyed. It’s been about an hour since the moving van got here, _an hour too late_ , and they had barely gotten started with moving in everything in the dining room.

He huffs as he grabs a box from one of the men, doing as much of the work as them. Plate after plate, he efficiently finishes placing all the china in the cabinets. He pants, although the work is minimal, he feels his muscles strain. _I haven’t felt like this since basketball, I really an am old man,_ he smiles. After graduating high school, he hadn’t played basketball as much nor seemed much enthusiastic as before. During college, he had played a few street games here and there, mainly to keep up his stamina, but it was all focused on getting a diploma, graduating, and focusing on his modelling career.

He could only laugh as he pulled out basketball trophies and awards out of a cardboard box, stopping when he came across the team picture of their basketball team in Teiko. His heart filled up with warmth as he stared at his former teammates. There was Akashi, with his normally rigid stature, but he had a playful look on his face as he held up his hand for a high-five to Midorima, who appeared to be disinterested but the sweat on all of their faces and their glowing features proved otherwise, Aomine had his eyes scrunched up, mouth open in joy, pushing a fist onto Kise’s back whose face was hidden from the camera but Kise knew how happy he was that day. Murasakibara had his arms stretched out, although half of it was cut off from the frame due to his abnormal height, and Kuroko had an arm around one of Murasakibara’s hands looking like an ant compared to him, a smile stretching his face.

Kise strokes the glass of the picture frame, reminiscing about middle school before blowing the light sheen of dust on it and placing it atop the fireplace. He puts more trophies and awards to the side for storage until he comes across their high school yearbook. He’s about to open it when he realizes that its 3:00 and he’s spent almost an hour looking through one box alone.

Hurriedly, he puts the rest of the junk in the box and pushes it to the side before starting on the living room.

By 9:00 at night, most of the heavy things in Kise’s new home is already inside and set up like the couch, beds, tables and tvs. It’s the little things that still have unpacking to do but for now Kise is absolutely exhausted.

He slumps onto his newly assembled bed and sighs in bliss as he lets his bones go limp. He lays in silence for a few minutes, just enjoying the peacefulness. Moving to Tokyo was a decision made by his manager. It was not only closer to his studio but it also meant he would be able to get more job opportunities due to the insane amount of people populating the large city, tourists and modelling agents alike.

After college was when he started to get more successful, people recognizing his youthful features and putting him on magazines and billboard ads. Pretty soon, it was hard to go outside without a camera flashing in his eye. In times like those he wished he was like his old teammate, Kuroko. Kise hums. He wonders whatever happened to his old friends. He sees Akashi on the news occasionally, it seemed he had followed his father’s footsteps and became a successful businessman and Aomine showed up on the news a few days ago, the NBA officially recruiting him. He knew Midorima was a doctor in the local hospital, he had been there about a week ago to get a shot and imagine the surprise on his face when he turned up to get a vaccination from a high school teammate. He had no clue though, what Murasakibara and Kuroko where up to.

 _Kurokocchi._ Everyone had dismissed Kise’s infatuation for Kuroko as childish behavior but there was a part of Kise that was enamored with the small blue-haired boy. Maybe it was the fact that he admired Kuroko. Kise, himself was insecure and brittle; his entire career depended on the happiness of his clients, but Kuroko, _Kuroko._ He was always so confident and brave. Everything he did shook the blonde to the point where he couldn’t deny that he loved Kuroko. So when he eventually realized that Kuroko obviously took his advances as childish behavior, he tucked all those feelings away and acted even more childish to make up for it.

But now, he wonders, just what happened to that small boy he admired so much. It’s late and although he’d like to remember about past memories, his eyelids have already began to close and soon his mind catches up with them.

 

The next morning it begins.

>>> 

There’s a phone call at 5:47 in the morning. Kise cracks a blood-shot eye open and fingers the bed, trying to reach for his phone.

“Hello?” he answers blearily, rubbing his eyes. It’s too early for a shoot and he’s not expecting any appointments.

“Kise? It’s Midorima, I need you to come to the hospital immediately,” Midorima’s voice is urgent and clear, there’s multiple voices speaking in the background and above it all there’s a harsh screaming sound. It’s shrill and doesn’t stop for a second. Kise has to pull back his phone because it’s so loud.

“What is it?” he asks nervously, already pulling the covers off his body and getting up.

“It’s Kuroko,”

>>> 

Kise rushes to the hospital in record time, beating past three red lights and almost hitting another truck in the process. He doesn’t know what’s got him riled up but it seriously must mean something if Midorima wakes him up at 5 in the morning about a guy who he hasn’t seen in ten years.

He pushed open the doors to the hospital and runs to the circular desk.

“Can you tell me where Midorimacchi is?” he breathes. The women blink at him before turning into a look of recognition.

“You’re Kise Ryouta-kun!,” The lady says, eyes widening. Kise groans. _This isn’t working._

“Please, can you just tell me where Doctor Midorima Shintaro is,” He says. One of the ladies shift out of their fangirl daze and looks at him.

“Midorima-sensei? He’s in room 415” she answers. Kise breathes out a thanks before dashing up the stairs to the fourth floor. His long legs take him up there in no time. A thousand things are rushing through his mind but there’s only one person occupying it right now. _Kurokocchi._

When he reaches the east hallway, he bumps into Midorima. His eyes widen.

“Midorimacchi,” He starts but Midorima quiets him with a look and starts walking. Kise follows him reluctantly. They walk the long hallway before they reach in front of a door with the label 415.

“That’s the room Kurokocchi’s in,” He says, reaching for the handle but Midorima stops him again, taking his hand away.

“Kise,” Midorima starts, he looks conflicted like he’s deciding whether or not to say something before sighing in exasperation and running a finger through his hair, “God dammit, Kuroko!” he curses loudly. Kise is quiet, eyes wide. It’s the first time he’s heard Mirodima direct a curse at Kuroko.

But from up close, he can see how overworked the green-haired man is, as if the darken circles under his eyes and the slight twitching of his hands are.

“What happened to Kurokocchi, Midorimacchi,” Kise asks, urgently, his voice coming out more serious than he expected.

“Kise… he tried to kill himself,”

>> 

It feels like time slowed down for Kise. As soon as the words leave Midorima’s mouth, he feels his stomach drop because no, _no,_ there’s absolutely _no possible way._ Kise’s eyebrows furrow together.

“No,” he starts, shaking his head, “No, no, no, no, _NO!,”_ He shouts.

Midorima looks at him, his face small. He opens the door to the room and that’s when Kise really feels like he’s being ripped apart. Because he can barely see him, wrapped up in the hospital sheets but there he is, small and vulnerable. Kise walks closer to the bed and he can see Kuroko up close now. His face, clammy and pale, blue strands of hair sticking to his face. But seeing him hooked up to multiple IV’s and seeing that horrible beep of his life line makes Kise feel sick, so he turns away and sits down, a hand going up to rub his temple. _How could this even happen? This is Kurokocchi._

“He was sent here at 4:00 am, apparently his neighbor had gone over because she heard loud noises and found him attempting to slit his wrists,” Midorima sighs. This time, Kise really does hurl; emptying the contents of his stomach into the nearest trash bin. _This can’t be happening._

“God, Kise you should’ve seen him. He was _thrashing around_ just screaming about killing himself. _He looked crazy_ ,” Midorima says, running a hand through his air. Kise shakes his head, wondering whatever took over his calm and respected friend to even try to take his own life.

“When he wakes up, he has no-one,” Midorima mutters and Kise immedateilay turns to him. “What do you mean? What about his parents?” Kise questions.

“They died in a car accident and he had no other relatives. And judging from his constant job hopping, I’d say he’s not very well off,” Midorima says.

“W-well where is he going to go, Midorimacchi? Where’s Kurokocchi going to go?” Kise asks urgently.

Midorima is quiet. “Kise if he can’t pay for the bills…” Kise shakes his head, “He’s going to need someone to take care of him for a while, keep him in their sight,”

Kise nods, numbly. “But he can’t pay for that,” he mumbles, looking back at Kuroko’s unconscious body.

“Exactly. I’ve already contacted Akashi about the situation and he’s thinking about having Kuroko taken to Kyoto-,” Kise sits up at that.

“That’s great!,” he starts.

“-But not only has he suffered major trauma and blood loss, he’s also severely malnourished there’s no way we can get him on a four hour train to Kyoto,” Midorima shakes his head. _What happened to you, Kurokocchi._ And that’s when Kise gets the idea.

“Wait a minute, what if I look after Kurokocchi,” he starts, slowly building monetum until he realizes that he can do it.

Midorima narrows his eyes. “Kise, this is a serious-,”

“Midorimacchi. Let me take care of him,” Kise says with such furious intensity, Midorima opens his mouth but then shuts it, nodding his head.

“I’ll contact you about expenses but if it’s fine with you, then all right,” he says. Kise nods. He can’t even be excited because he’s scared. He’s scared of what Kuroko will do when he wakes up. He’s scared Kuroko will wake up, wishing he’s dead.

>>> 

In his dream, Kise is in a black room. He’s had this dream before, if he can even call it a dream. He knows what’s going to happen next. There would be flashes and shouting and the room would constrict on him until he wakes up, heart beating rapidly and sweaty. But this time, it’s worse because there’s a voice screaming in the room. It’s loud and shrill and every second the voice would stop screaming to let out a broken sob but it wasn’t just the loudness but what the voice was screaming.

_Kill me Kill me Kill me Kill me_

The mantra repeated over and over in the room and Kise was shaking, he didn’t know what was happening.

_Why didn’t it work why didn’t it work why didn’t it work_

Kise clenches his eyes shut and puts his hands over his ears but it still doesn’t drown out the screams.

“Wake up wake up wake up,” he mumbles to himself. He doesn’t know how long he was having his dream but suddenly he was ripped out of it, pushed out of his chair by nurses and doctors only to realize reality was not so far from it.

He stands at a corner of the hospital room, shaken, and to realize that the screaming voice in his ear was no other than Kuroko’s. Everything’s in slow motion as he watches Kuroko scream and thrash in the hospital bed, trying to rip out the IV’s in his arms. The nurses try to hold him down, but to no avail.

“ _Why didn’t it work? Why Why Why Why Why,”_ He screams, like a mantra. Kise feels an inexplicable pain in his chest he watches Midorima stab a sedative into Kuroko’s arm, watches as his screams slow to a halt and he collapses onto the bed.

He doesn’t even realize he’s crying until he feels the cool wetness of his cheeks. The nurses hook him back onto the IV systems and Kise watches as that horrible beep of the life line returns. Midorima returns back to Kise’s side. “This is what you’re going to have to deal with,” he says, focused on Kise.

“If it’s Kurokocchi, I can,” Kise says quietly. Yes, for Kuroko, he could do anything.

“You have to stay strong, you can’t collapse like you did in middle and high school, you understand? No matter what he does and says, that’s not Kuroko. He’s changed. You can’t let him get to you,” Midorima says and Kise wonders how hard it was for him to say that.

“I’ve changed too, Midorimacchi,” Kise says. He has. He no longer sees the world as bright and full of opportunities because he’s witnessed horrible things the world can do to you.

They’re quiet but Kise knows that Midorima is worried about Kuroko, judging from the constant clenching and unclenching of his fist.

“Take a look at this,” Midorima says, handing him a folder once they’re seated in his office. Kise takes it and opens it. The first paper on it has a picture of Kuroko. It looks recent, and the paper lists medical problems Kuroko faced or is currently facing in his life. As he had expected, only small things like common colds show up on the transcript. Strangely, however, there’s a date almost 8 years ago which shows Kuroko’s submission into the hospital for multiple broken bones and a concussion.  As he looks through the papers, his stomach drops. The next few pages show his education history, which Kise skips over but after that bunch there’s an article that catches his eye.

_Tokyo family dies in a car accident- only survivor is 20 year old son._

“Oh god,” Kise mumbles, eyes scanning over the newsletter. They were driving to Kuroko’s college apparently when a truck hit their car, sending it spiraling onto the road. “That’s not all,” Midorima sighs.

As he turns the paper over, it’s a list of different occupations. The list goes from librarian to garbage collector to teacher’s assistant to waiter. At first, Kise is confused, thinking that they must’ve printed the article on top of scrap paper but then he realizes it’s a resume. Kise is aghast, because the list goes on to 10 to 15 to 24 to 50 jobs over the course of 5 years.

“He had to drop out of college,” Midorima says, shaking his head. Kise is quiet, not knowing what to say as he closes the folder and hands it back to Midorima.

“Where did you even get this?” he asks finally.

“Akashi faxed it to me after I told him about Kuroko’s situation,” Midorima says, turning back to Kise. “You’ve seen what just happened, are you sure you can handle him?”

Kise feels a pang of anger in his chest. “Don’t be ridiculous, it’s Kurokocchi for god’s sake. You’re acting like he’s another person,” He spits out. He knows it’s wrong and out of place to get mad at Midorima but there’s so much going on in his mind he needs to let it out on someone.

Midorima is quiet. “Alright then. You can go back home and we’ll contact you once we release him,”

Kise nods, not knowing what else to say before getting up and taking his leave.

The cold air hits his face as he walks to his car. If he had known Kuroko was suffering this much, he would’ve helped his friend in a jif –no compensation. _God Kurokocchi, even when you’re hurting this much you’re still too prideful. Not even a call-nothing._ A ping interrupts his thoughts and he reaches into his back pocket to take out his cell phone.

_Akashicchi_

_Any news about Tetsuya?_

Kise sighs, fingers typing away a response.

_They’re releasing him in a week._

Akashi’s response comes in a second.

_Give me a call soon._

Kise fingers his phone before getting into his car. It’s so crazy he has no idea what to do. He feels horrible thinking about it, but he wishes Midorima didn’t have to call him. He wants his life to be normal as ever. Kise digs his fingernails into his palm. _What are you even thinking about? You **loved** Kurokocchi. _Kise groans, head slamming against the steering wheel. _What am I going to do?_

>> 

The following day, Kise decides to call Akashi.

“Akashi speaking,” his honey smooth voice responds after two rings.

“H-hi Akashicchi,” he starts weakly, already fumbling over his words. Only Akashi made him this nervous. Although, it’s been a long time since he was their captain, his harsh threats and punishments are still fresh in his mind.

“Ryota,” Akashi says.

“Y-yeah, About um Kurokocchi,” he starts, not knowing where to go.

“Ryota, are you free today?” Kise blinks, and then nods before realizing that Akashi can’t actually _see_ him.

“Y-yes!,” he says.

“Alright, meet me at the XXX hotel,” he says and ends the call. Kise breathes out the air he hadn’t realized he had taken in. _Why is he still so scary?!?_

>> 

“You saw Tetsuya last night,” Akashi accuses of him, eyes narrowing at Kise. After about ten years and Akashi looks scarier than ever, blood red hair growing out, slimming his face; prominent cheekbones and a snarl on his lips at all times. The only difference since middle school was now that both his eyes shone with bright red pupils.

“I did,” Kise breathes, immediately feeling the wave of exhaust washing over him, “It was terrible,”

Akashi is quiet, sipping on his tea thoughtfully. He pulls out a piece of paper and pushes it toward Kise with a slim finger. Kise picks it up, eyes widening. _There are definitely way too many 0’s on this check._

“I can’t accept this, Akashicchi-“

“It’s for Tetsuya,” Akashi blurts out, eyes immediately darting away, finding interest in a painting on a wall. _Of course._ He’d forgotten that everyone still cares for the small phantom. Especially Akashi, who had always had a habit of mothering all of them. Kise lets out a small chuckle.

“Yeah, for Kurokocchi,”

>>> 

Midorima calls Kise three days later. Kise picks up the phone immediately.

“Hello?” he says, heart beating wildly, preparing for the worst.

“You can come see him,” is all Midorima says, sounding exhausted. The phone call ends with a click as Kise breathes, running a hand through sandy hair.

The drive to the hospital comes with many worries for Kise. Would Kuroko recognize him? How would he react? Kise’s body is thumping with anxiety by the time he stands in front of room 415. He plays with his fingers for a while before realizing that he hadn’t brought anything with him. _Ughhh._ But then again, how could he bring flowers for a suicidal man.

He opens the door to the count of three. The room is the same as before, but this time Kuroko is sitting up in bed, looking directly at him. His face is blank but his eyes soften when he sees Kise though Kise doesn’t ignore the dark circles and blood shot eyes. He doesn’t say anything so the blonde slowly walks next to him, sitting down on the chair next to the gurney.

“Hey there Kurokocchi,” Kise says shakily. _What on Earth was he supposed to say?_ He swallows for the second time. There are so many questions he wants to ask but he doesn’t for the fear that they’re all insensitive. It’s quiet but Kise feels like suffocating in the tenseness.

“You want to know why I did this,” Kuroko says, the first thing Kise has heard from him since he entered the room. His voice had become hoarser over the course of ten years, making every word sound coarse and bumpy.

Kise swallows for the third time, shaking his head. He honestly has no idea what to say. He’s scared anything he’ll say will cause a relapse in Kuroko. He opens his mouth, trying to say something but his mouth is dry. _He can’t speak._ So, opting for a less terrifying way to communicate, he shakes his head.

Kuroko doesn’t look at him, but soon his hunched up form starts shaking and Kise immediately gets up, scared he’s crying but when he looks at Kuroko, he’s confused because he’s _laughing._ It’s full out laughter, voice echoing off the walls of the room like a madman. When he finishes, a solid minute later, he looks at Kise, a thoughtful expression on his face. “Perhaps there are some flowers that just don’t bloom, Kise-kun,”

Kise, not knowing what else to say, nods. He clears his throat before talking. “Do you need anything, Kurokocchi?” He asks, nervously. _Ugh shit, that sounds so petty._

Kuroko doesn’t answer him, fingers tapping against his leg and humming a pretty tune. Kise relaxes for a second. _Maybe it was just one impulse decision…he was on drugs maybe,_ he thinks. He leans back in his chair, listening to Kuroko’s humming until the notes start coming out broken and harsh and when Kise leans over, his stomach drops because Kuroko has his face in his hands, rocking back and forth, _weeping._ “My skin hurts, Kise-kun,” He cries softly.

“Kurokocchi? What do you need? Tell me, I’ll get it for you. Do you need lotion? I-ll get it,” Kise says, panicking. He’s _never, ever_ seen Kuroko like this. Kise swallows down the lump in his throat, frantically pressing the nurse call button.

“ _It hurts, Kise-kun,”_ Kuroko screams at him, fingers clawing at his own face so hard it leaves angry red marks. Kise goes over to him and pulls his arms away from his face, ignoring the pain that blossoms when Kuroko’s nail dig into his forearms. “You need to stop this Kurokocchi. You can’t do this to yourself,” he says, shakily, feeling the sting of tears in his eyes. He’s so scared, and dammit _he doesn’t know what to do._ Kuroko breaks down into another fit of sobs, just as the nurses come into the room.

“Why did you call them Kise-kun?” He cries again as Kise gets pulled away from him, and shoved onto the bed. “ _Why did you call them?!_ ,” He screams, shrill and high.

“I’m sorry. Oh _fuck,_ I’m so sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry,” Kise repeats like a mantra, staring; wide eyed as they stab another sedative into his arm. His lips are shaking, and he’s so confused and scared.

“They should’ve just put him in an asylum. I can’t deal with this anymore,” he hears one of the nurses say as they pull off their gloves. The others nod in agreement. _No, no no no no, no, no no no no._ He can’t bear this. Kise leaves the room, bumping into Midorima. “What happened, Kise?” The green haired man asks urgently, grabbing onto Kise’s shoulder.

“I-I-I tried helping but he- he just started _screaming_ ,” Kise says in between shakes. “Midorimacchi, what-what happened to him?” he says, feeling broken.

“Kise, maybe- maybe it’s for the better if we,” he starts, sighing, “Maybe it’s better if we send him to a phsyciatral help center,” he says, lowly. Kise is aghast.

“What are you saying, Midorimacchi? This is _Kurokocchi_ , if we send him-if we send him to an asylum, they’ll tear him apart! He’s not crazy!” Kise pleads. He’s so scared, he doesn’t know what else to do.

“ _Then what the hell are we supposed to do? You’ve seen him!,”_ He shouts for the first time. Kise is startled by the sudden loudness. Midorima looks away from him. “Sorry, I just-,”

“No, It’s alright. I’ll do my best,” Kise says earnestly, patting him on the shoulder. He understands Midorima’s position. If this was any other patient, he would be a lot more professional; but this is _Kuroko._ Kise doesn’t break down on the drive home, nor when he gets home, but when he looks upon his fireplace; that’s what does it.

Seeing Kuroko smile, with all of them, has him break down in tears. _He was his closest friend._ Whatever Kuroko is facing right now, Kise wants to get rid of it, and he wants to make him feel again. But no matter how hard he’s motivated he can only hear Kuroko’s shrill screams in his ear.

_Kill me kill me kill me kill me._


	2. carnations

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> omg this is so late but ugh i had a lot going on this past week (where is the knb finale???) and this was rushed and although i dont really like this chapter that much i can promise an early update!! please enjoy if you can and kudos and comments are very much welcomed and appreciated:) thank you!! :)

It was two weeks after Kuroko had gotten admissioned into the hospital did everyone really learn of the news. A couple of days after Kise had last visited the hospital, Aomine had called him, quiet and confused. Not long after that did he get Momoi’s and Murasakibara’s phone calls. He had been brief, not wanting to turn Kuroko into a topic of discussion but all of them had promised to fly/drive over to Tokyo as soon as possible to see the blue haired boy.

 

It had been two weeks since Kise had last visited room 415. He didn’t want to seem like he was running away from Kuroko, but that was all he had been doing. He had pulled himself into as many shoots and interviews as possible, trying to keep his mind busy.

 

Kise tosses over again in bed, huffing. The digital clock on the bedside table reads 3:50 in angry, red letters. He groans, clenching his eyes _but he can’t sleep_.

 

It’s gotten worse over the past few days. He’d climb into bed at 10, maybe earlier, forcing himself to get some sleep. He tried sleeping pills and tea and listening to rain forest sounds but to no avail. He was _so_ tired but it seemed his bodies had other plans for him. He huffs, sitting up in bed and turning on the lamp near him, watching his bedroom light up immediately. He squints at first, eyes adjusting to the light.

 

He grabs his robe and walks over to the balcony, curling up on the small couch he had there. The rushing noises of Tokyo at the early hours of the morning has him at ease immediately. His house is facing towards the back of the freeways and main streets, so he’s faced with trees and temples and mountains but his ears catch the noise of city life immediately.

 

It calms him, and he feels himself doze off.

 

>>

 

In the morning (If 9 is even morning, considering he’s slept for less than 5 hours), he decides to visit Kuroko. It wasn’t something he had thought about, he had just thought it would be good for him. But then, it made him feel selfish as though Kuroko was supposed to make him feel better. As he drives to the hospital, he goes over his plans for the day. He had planned to take Kuroko outside of the dim hospital room and out to the gardens near it for a picnic. He only hopes it goes well.

 

“Good morning,” He winks at the nurses at the circle desk who smile at him. They’ve become more of a constant now in his visits.

 

When he reaches the fourth floor, he reaches out to get his phone out of his pocket to text Midorima.

 

_Midorimacchi_

_Hey Midorimacchi! I was wondering if-_

 

“Oof!,” Kise grumbles as his bumps into the person who had walked into him. He rubs his head before opening his eyes, annoyed at the intruder.

 

“Watch where you’re going,” He snarls at the person without another glance, before walking past them. _People are so rude nowadays_.

 

“Ki..se-kun?”

 

Kise stops in his steps, turning around. Kuroko’s blue eyes stare at him, wide. It takes Kise a second to realize he had bumped into Kuroko and he runs back and grabs onto Kuroko.

 

“Oh god, Kurokocchi, are you okay? I’m sorry, I didn’t watch where I was going,” Kise stammers. _Way to go with these first impressions, Ryouta._

 

“I’m fine, Kise-kun. What are you doing here?” Kuroko says, brushing him off. Kise is quiet, because Kuroko sounds so _normal._ He sounds like the same soft spoken boy from middle school. Immediately, he feels terrible for thinking that because he _is still that soft spoken boy from middle school._

 

“I was actually here to visit you,” Kise laughs nervously, a hand going up to scratch the back of his neck, “I was wondering if you wanted to go out to the gardens, for-for like a picnic or something,”

 

Kuroko’s eyes soften a bit, a face Kise hasn’t seen in so long it sends a twang of nostalgia and hurt straight in Kise’s gut. “Yeah, that sounds nice,” he says softly. Kise nods, letting out a breath in relief as he holds out his arm to Kuroko.

 

“I’ll walk you back to the room,” he says, offering his arm to Kuroko who reluctantly takes it, and _is that a smile on his lips_. Kise smiles and starts talking.

 

“It will be fun, Kurokocchi, I even brought those vanilla milkshakes you love so much!,” Kise says, trying to keep up the light mood.

 

“Thank you, Kise-kun,” Kuroko says, a smile on his face. Kise ignores the fact that the smile looks drawn on and continues babbling.

 

By the time they’ve reached his room, Kise has filled Kuroko in with his life for the past ten years. He drank in the hums of approval and encouragement Kuroko fed him if Kise paused between talking. His face brightens when he realizes Kuroko starts to rub circles on the arm he’s holding onto and tries not to stutter.

 

Inside the room is the same two nurses from before. Kise recognizes them as the two who made the insensitive comments about Kuroko’s mental health. He tells them about the picnic and watches as they assess Kuroko with a critical look.

 

“I guess, as long as he’s in a wheelchair, you know he’s _suicidal_ ,” the nurse not-so whispers, raising an eyebrow towards Kuroko. Kise is glad they’re out of earshot but he won’t let that comment slide.

 

“Thanks for the concern but Kurokocchi’s mental health is not something to be the new _gossip_ you all chatter about thank you very much,” he snaps, before going over to Kuroko. The surprised look on her face makes him very accomplished indeed.

 

“Hey,” he greets Kuroko who looks out the window, thoughtfully.

 

“Thank you for standing up for me,” Kuroko says, eyes downcast. Kise freezes, but then regains his composure. “I-t’s no problem,” He says, fidgeting with his fingers.

 

Kise looks up at Kuroko. His eyes are half-lidded, deep in thought, eyebrows twitching ever so often. His hair is in a desperate need of a trim, ends curling up on the back of his neck. Kise has the urge to snake his hands across Kuroko’s head.

 

“Kuroko,”

 

Both Kise’s and Kuroko’s heads turn around at the new voice. Midorima pushes a wheelchair in front of them and Kise watches as the green haired doctor holds a gentle hand on Kuroko’s back helping him onto the chair. “Thank you, Midorima-kun,” Kuroko sighs. Midorima nods at him and then looks at Kise. The model feels like a deer in the headlights of car at the sudden look so he nods and swallows, hauling the wheelchair out of the room.

 

>>

 

“Aren’t these flowers nice, Kurokocchi?” Kise tries again, in the effort of starting another conversation. He’s seated on a blanket on the grass, Kuroko on his wheelchair. Kise fingers the collar of his shirt nervously. He had thought it would go at least nicely but now he didn’t know what to think when Kuroko _was silent the entire time_.

 

Kuroko is quiet again and Kise pours himself another glass of lemonade. He decides to be quiet too, relinquishing the peacefulness of the garden. He closes his eyes and thinks. Whenever Kise would talk to Kuroko in high school, the model would be the only one talking, Kuroko offering silent enthusiasm btu Kise always felt obliged to keep talking. Now, it was the exact opposite. He didn’t feel like talking at all. Instead, _he was angry_.

 

“You know, Kurokocchi, I’m only trying to help,” He says, suddenly. It’s firm but Kise doesn’t take it back.

 

“‘Though I am often in depths of misery, there is still calmness, pure harmony and music inside me’,” Kuroko speaks up, eyes closed. Kise blinks, turning toward the blue haired boy.

 

“What?” he says, unsurely.

 

“It’s by Vincent Van Gogh,”

 

“Oh,”

 

“And then he killed himself,” Kuroko says before bursting into laughter. Kise feels his stomach drop. He waits until Kuroko is done laughing but even then he’s unsettled.

 

“I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable, here- I’ll rephrase myself,” he starts, looking at Kise, “Just because I tried to kill myself does not mean I do not enjoy some aspects of life.”

 

Kise stares back at those blue, _blue_ eyes so wide and shielded from emotion. _Maybe because the sky is trapped in your eyes, you’re afraid to fly._

 

Kise finally understands. It’s not that Kuroko is crazy, no, Kuroko is _insane_. But in a totally different way. He can see things through Kise, leaving him bare and open with just one gaze from those guarded eyes. He realizes that whatever had caused him to try to _take his own life_ could have caused some serious damage to him. It’s at that moment he vows to help Kuroko.

 

“I feel like I’m stuck in a day on repeat,” Kuroko says and Kise is ripped from his thoughts. Kuroko turns over a carnation in his hands. “It’s like Winter over and over again. I’m always cold, Kise-kun,” he mutters.

 

Out of instinct Kise puts one of his hands atop Kuroko’s. Kuroko flinches but doesn’t move away. Kise thinks of his words a while before speaking next. “Regardless of what happens, Kurokocchi, the seasons still change,” He says carefully.

 

Kuroko looks into his eyes and for once Kise can see the pain etched deep in those azure irises.

 

>>

 

Midorima watches the two figures in the garden from his office. Kise appears to be smiling at something, Kuroko is quiet and blank-faced as always but he seems to be nodding along.

 

“He’s been working for almost 10 years alone, it’s as if he was fighting a battle he could never win,” Midorima sighs. Akashi, who was in Tokyo for business, sits opposite him also watching Kise and Kuroko from the window.

 

“He could have asked us for help. He knows we would never say no,” Akashi says thoughtfully. _He had a right to think we would say no_ , Midorima thinks bitterly. It was only ever Kise who actually talked to Kuroko during the remainder of their high school days. The rest of them had acted like Kuroko had not existed.

 

“That’s unfortunate. The people he could’ve asked were most likely the one’s he was trying to hide it from,” Midorima says. It’s true. Kuroko had more pride than any of them. He wouldn’t put any weight on their shoulders in exchange for his.

 

“Then...he was enduring this alone?” Akashi says, more as a statement rather than a question. He looks a bit surprised. Midorima isn’t. He knows Akashi had went through a similar awakening phase in middle school, but all of them had helped him through it. He hadn’t suffered alone in the end.

 

“It isn’t the end for Kuroko,” Midorima says quickly. Akashi is quiet, thinking. Midorima can tell by the way his eyebrows furrow in the middle. Him and Kuroko are alike in that way.

 

“Sometimes, I think about it. How mad is he? How much is he having a hard time? How lonely he must be?” Akashi says softly, “In the end, the last question makes me pause,”

 

Midorima stills. _Perhaps Kuroko is not crazy, but lonely. Loneliness is just a step away from craziness, anyways._

 

>>

 

Kise drives home, feeling like a huge weight has been lifted from his shoulders. Although he still feels burdened, he’s happy that Kuroko can show him his emotions. That night, he rests himself by unpacking leftover boxes from the move. It’s almost 3am when he reaches the last box. A smile and a soft “aw” escapes his mouth when he reaches in to find his old pictures from school. The first few albums are family pictures from vacations and pre-school. He flips through pictures of him crying because his sisters dressed him up in their clothes, family photos, and old pictures of his older sisters and him. He isn’t surprised to find himself tearing up while looking through them.

 

He sets the album aside gently to reach into his middle school album. They were mostly pictures from his early child modelling and then came the basketball pictures. He smiles as he looks through team pictures. There were more of him and Kuroko than any other and he finds himself stroking the pictures, beside himself. He unconsciously looks around himself to see if anyone is watching him.

 

There are more pictures following the team ones, silly candids Momoi had taken or photobombs Kise had appeared in. It fills a hole in Kise that he had not known about.

 

He places the albums onto the other ones and reaches in to take out the next book which happens to be their high school yearbook. He chuckles at his yearbook picture. His eldest sister had forced him to get a haircut that day, and the barber had chucked off his bangs making his face look bare. Kise shakes his head, smiling. Aomine looks bored, a half smile on his face, his gown not even worn properly. Akashi is dashing as always, even pulling off a perfect form in a graduation gown. _Trust Akashicchi to be photogenic._ Midorima looked like a typical high school senior, if you ignored the interesting clip-on septum piercing on his nose which so happened to be his lucky item.

 

Half of Murasakibara’s head was cut off from his picture, something Kise felt horrible about but he doubts Murasakibara feels the same. As he scrolls the page to find the ‘K’ section he almost faints from the massive nose bleed he gets when he looks at Kuroko’s picture. He thinks Kuroko might have planned his picture but Kise gets a shiver from Kuroko’s half lidded gaze, his too-long bangs that frame his face cleverly, his plump, pink lips (he briefly remembers Momoi putting lipgloss on him that day) and the small smirk on his face. Kise quickly turns the page to save himself from further embarrassment.

 

There are more club pictures, an entire spread solely dedicated to their basketball team which Kise spends more than a few minutes on, basking in the nostalgic feeling of practices early in the morning and practice camps in the summer time.

 

When he nears the end of the book, he spies an odd piece of paper out of the binding. Out of curiosity, he pulls on it until a folded piece of paper comes out. He opens it, reading the contents.

 

_6/15/2015_

_This shows that Kuroko Tetsuya will marry Kise Ryota (ME!) in ten years if he doesn’t get married before that time._

 

Kise laughs at Kuroko’s neat signature at the bottom of the paper. He shakes his head, setting aside the paper as a new conversation starter.

 

The rest of the contents of the box contain more medals and awards so he packs everything up and puts it at the bottom of his closet. He keeps the letter in his hand and places it on his bedside table while he climbs into his bed and  attempts falls asleep.

 

>>

 

Midorima sighs again, signing off more bills and paperwork. It was true the hospital had lost a majority of funders and the green haired man was not sure how long they would be able to stand on Midorima’s trust fund alone, especially when the lead doctor, Midorima’s father, had passed away a year ago.

 

He puts his head in his hands, glaring at the clock which blinks 2:40 at him. He hadn’t realized it was that late. Sighing again, he decides to visit Kuroko one last time before leaving the hospital.

 

He should've trusted the bad gut instinct he had when he stood up. He should've noticed the group of nurses rushing to the first floor. Should have realized he had left the medicine cabinet open in Kurokos room. So when he walks into room 415 and sees Kuroko, pale and sweaty, lying on the floor, empty ibuprofen bottles surrounding his body, he admittedly and undoubtedly cannot be surprised.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> next chapter will be out on the 26th


End file.
